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Mourning and Celebration

On one of the first few days on our Yoga & NVC retreat, Anna laid out her soul cards. All of us, participants and facilitators, walked into the circle of cards to pick one that called to us. I chose the one on the left.

Today, I discovered an image of me (below) taken at some point over the course of the retreat by photographer Catherine Adam. I do not know which one came first ... Did the card I chose imprint upon me or was it the energy already alive in me that led me to choose this card?

The hands remind me of abhaya mudra, the Buddha's gesture of fearlessness. To me, this gesture has never been about pushing away or transcending fear but rather has always been an invitation to allow, receive, and "own" your fear while staying open, present, and responsive in the midst of and despite it.

In the card, the hands and face appear bloody and while, in the photo, my face and hands look fresh, clean, bright (thanks Catherine), what lies unseen is that my embodiment includes experience that is messy, uncertain, broken, "bloodied" in many different ways and on many different levels.

I do not come "clean", I come as I am. I do not come certain, I come humbled and curious. I do not come destroyed by what I've known, I come saved and made real by it. I come in mourning and I come in celebration.

In every moment, everything that I've experienced and all that I feel comes with me yet it doesn't define all of me. I am constantly being coloured, compelled, and re-created.

In every moment, I am waxing and I am waning.


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